Kirsten Jones is a former D1 athlete and Nike executive, and also a mom of three. As aย Sports Parenting Coachย for over ten years, she has been guiding parents through the sometimes rocky terrain of youth sports. More recently, sheโs shared that same guidance in her book,ย Raising Empowered Athletes,ย and on herย Raising Athletesย podcast, where she interviews elite athletes, psychologists and more. Her own sons both play D1 basketball, and her daughter plays competitive high school volleyball.
Raised in Missoula, Montana, Kirsten grew up playing โall the sportsโ including horseback riding, softball, basketball, track, and skiing. By high school, she focused on just basketball and volleyball, eventually walking on to the volleyball team at San Diego State University, redshirting her first year and earning a scholarship for her second, before deciding to transfer to William & Mary in Virginia.
We spoke to Kirsten about all things youth sportsโfrom when to start travel to handling getting cut from a team.
Letโs dive inโtravel sports. When to start, and when to skip?
Parenting is so hard. We all want whatโs best for our kids. When they are happy, we become blathering idiots, barely able to contain our pride and enthusiasm. When they hit headwinds, boy, are we gutted. Sports is a wonderful vehicle to teach them all the important lessons in life, not to mention, they can be a ton of fun! But when to start playing competitive (aka club or AAU) sports is a great question.
Here are some guidelines to help you decide:
- What are your family values?ย How much time are you willing to spend in your car and at the field? Is it important to take a family vacation together this summer or are you all happy just being together, wherever that is.
- How many kids do you have?ย Having multiple children going opposite directions can be very challenging. Are you up for managing the number of commitments and the logistical gymnastics it will include? We had a โruleโ in our house that we didnโt start travel club until at least age 12. Thatโs what worked for our family of five given the different sports, work schedules and interest in keeping the minivan under 20,000mi/yearโฆ
- Why do you want them to play?ย Lots of parents will say โI just want them to be active and healthy, to make a few friends and learn the value of being a part of a team. I donโt care if they play in college, Iโd be happy if they could play through high school.โย And, these days, with kids starting to specialize at younger and younger ages, this is exactly the challengeโbeing able to make a high school team. Ask them why they play? What do they love about it? If they shrug their shoulders and say, โEhh, I donโt know. Itโs fun to be with my friends?โ then it may be time to start looking for other ways to get exercise. But if their eyes light up and they rattle off four or five reasons without thinking and continue on to speak about their last practice, youโve got a kid who is curious about this sport so will be more likely to want to continue to work hard, push their limits and grow.
Do you believe kids *need* to do travel sports to compete in college?
Thatโs an interesting question that frankly I donโt get asked much. I think most people assume the only path to play in college is through travel sports. I sat next to a mom on a plane recently and her daughter was a very elite swimmer, but she/they chose to stay swimming with the local YMCA team instead of moving to the elite club team. Sports such as swimming, including golf and track & field/cross-country are fairly black and white in that itโs driven by times and scores. So, you probably donโtย haveย play for an elite club, but you will need to surround yourself with enough talent and good coaching to be able to get the scores to be competitive if you want to get recruited.
For other sports like soccer, basketball, volleyball and lacrosse, you donโt have to play club either, but you do need to be able to produce film to show coaches your abilities, and because they will most likely want to watch you play in person, where you play is a consideration because recruiting through high school programs is almost non-existent anymore. That said, if you are the most talented athlete in the middle of Montana, they will find you.
How can you help your child manage anxiety around competition or their sport?
The mental side is just as big, if not bigger, than the physical side as they age. And, when I work with athletes, I tell them that like the physical reps they are doing both in the gym and on the field in order to do grow, we also need to do mental reps. Itโs a muscleโthe more we use it, the better we get at it.
How your child is wired will dictate what you may or may not want to say to them before they play. Try saying something along the lines of,ย โI see that you have been working really hard. I know coach told you that they want you to pitch in the 5th inning today. Remember that youโve put in all the work, now go out there and enjoy the day. This is a game, not the only game youโll ever play. Dad and I love watching you play. Have fun!โ
Getting cut from teams is a big blowโwhatโs your strategy there?
Getting cut isย theย worst. Itโs one thing if your kid decides to pivot and stops on their own, but thereโs almost nothing more painful than when your kid doesnโt make the cut, and (almost) all of their friends did. Been there. Ouch.
Empathize but donโt sympathize.ย By that I mean, donโt start in on the time when you didnโt make that 7th grade cheer squad and how that girl had it in for youโฆstop! In their moment of sadness, they donโt really want to hear your tired ole woes. Instead, express your sadness for them and ask how you can best support them.
โIโm so sorry this happened. I know how hard you trained all summer to make this team. How can I help? Would you like to talk about it now? Or would you prefer some alone time?โ
Avoid the temptation to rescue.ย โWell, Iโm going to call the coach and give them a piece of my mind.โย Orย โThats fine, we donโt like this club anyway. You are NOT a 2โs player!
Ask, listen, and then give them some space. Circle back once the dust settles and ask,ย โWhat would you like to do?โย They usually come up with all the brilliant answers on their own,ย โWell, I would get to be a starter on the 2โs team. And I do like a couple of the kids already on the team. Hey, it might not be so bad!โ
How many days of sports is too much?
This is a tricky one. The American Association of Pediatricians (AAP) recommends one day of rest per week and two to three months off per year in any one sport.
Kids are relying on us parents and coaches to help them learn how to implement healthy boundaries, if we donโt have any boundaries, it will make it more difficult for them to learn this skillset as well. Your child may be one of those kids who wants to play every day no matter what. While itโs exciting to see their passion, help them build in rest days to ensure their growing bodies can handle it. Itโs a marathon, not a sprint. No one cares who won the 5th grade flag football tournament (no, really, Iโm serious), but if they have chronic, nagging injuries starting in middle school that they canโt recover from, youโll regret letting them overdo it.
ย What else would you tell parents of little kids starting out in sports?
Iโd start by reiterating what I just said above, itโs a marathon, not a sprint. We only get 18 summers with our kids before they go off to explore the world. If you could time travel and were looking back twenty years from now, what would you want them to remember of their childhood?
That backpacking trip we all did with the cousins where we learned to fly fish and all gotten eaten by mosquitos? Or grandmaโs 80th celebration where we danced until they shut the light off? Or, nope. No family memoriesโฆonly months and months of travel ball. Iโm not saying itโs not fun and there arenโt many, many, great memoriesโthere are!ย And, we only get one chance to make memories with them. Say yes to the Griswald adventure every once in a while, I guarantee you wonโt regret it. And, as the parent of 24-, 21- and 19-year-olds, whether they are meant to play in college or not, wonโt be because they missed the Memorial Day tournament.
Anything else youโd like to share?
Again, parenting is so hard. Just when you feel like โWeโve got this!โ you get side swiped by an oncoming car when youโre not looking. Do not fear. This is totally normal. And you are not doing it wrong. We all make mistakes. We all wish sometimes we could have โdo oversโ with our kids. And, in fact, modeling that for them is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.ย โIโm sorry for yelling at you during your game. I lost my cool and that is not ok. Iโll do better next time, I promise.โย Give them permission to make errors. We live in a social media driven society where everything looks so picture perfect all the time. Parenting is super messy and being a kid can be overwhelming. Together weโve got this.
Finally, the only six words our kids need to hear us say after a game,ย โI love to watch you play.โย ย Thatโs it. Nothing about the coach, or the other team, or that awful ref. Nope. Just how lucky we are to see you out there having fun. Period.
ABOUT THE EXPERT
Kirsten is a Hall of Fame NCAA Division I volleyball player, a 15-year NIKE executive, a motivational speaker, peak performance coach and the author ofย Raising Empowered Athletes: A Youth Sports Parenting Guide for Raising Happy, Brave and Resilient Kids.
As a coach, she works with athletes, parents and sports organization leaders, where she helps them learn how to reach their goals by releasing their limitations. Kirstenโs superpower is helping people get out of their heads and into their bodies so they can feel their best and perform beyond what even they dreamed possible.
She is the host of theย RaisingAthletes Podcast, where she interviews coaches, athletes, trainers and industry experts about everything youth sports.
Kirsten and her husband, Evan, have loved raising three young adult athletes (ages 24, 21, and 19) in Los Angeles.
Please sign up receive updates, hear the podcast or schedule a call atย kirstenjonesinc.comย orย https://kirstenjones.substack.com/
@kirstenjonesinc (Facebook and X)
@kirstenjonescoach (Instagram and LinkedIn)
